The Relationships I Blew Up
I have blown up a number of relationships over the course of my life, unnecessarily. I was saying to my brother-in-law, Dave, recently how I wish I had known back when we worked together some of the things I know now. I often find myself reflecting on the number of people who would have me on their list of those who caused them pain, because of decisions I made, authority I wielded, judgements I held.
And while this is not an easy thing to write, it is where this work begins for me, and it is why I care about it so much.
Here is what I have come to believe: our differences are rarely the problem. It is how we handle them that does the damage. Most of the ruptures I regret were not caused by disagreement or a different point of view. They were caused by my reaction to it, the speed of it, the heat, the certainty that I was right and they were wrong.
Putting "the fish on the table," raising the hard issue "so it can be cleaned together rather than left to rot underneath." — George Kohlrieser.
Daniel Goleman describes conflict management as the ability to bring disagreements into the open and find a resolution everyone can endorse. Richard Boyatzis puts the intent plainly: it is not about trying to win, but about bringing people who are opposed into a shared view. George Kohlrieser calls it “putting the fish on the table,” raising the hard issue without being aggressive or hostile, so it can be cleaned together rather than left to rot underneath.
In my mediation and deescalation work, I have watched this shift transform rooms. As mediator, I do not impose or suggest a solution. My role is to lower the emotional temperature, make it safe, and help each person feel understood enough to locate some steps forward. When people feel heard, they stop defending and start solving.
If I could hand my younger self one practical approach, it would be this:
Steady yourself first. Before you respond, notice your own emotional charge. You can’t think straight or hear well while you are escalating inside.
Put the fish on the table. Name the real issue directly and kindly. Unspoken tension does not disappear, it rots.
Listen for what matters to the other person. Ask what is driving the other person – what they may be missing, looking for, afraid of or needing. Curiosity does what defensiveness never can.
Separate the person from the problem. You can hold a firm position and still protect and care for the relationship.
Find the common ground. Almost every conflict sits above things both parties actually and legitimately want. Name these, and face the problem together rather than each other.
None of this makes conflict comfortable or easy. But it can make it useful, and far less costly.
I cannot go back and un-blow up those relationships. What I can do is help other leaders avoid the list I am still making peace with.
If you need support in these kinds of conversations, please don’t hesitate to make a time with me for a free and confidential conversation. Also in my Clarity Hub platform, I have included a powerful tool to help you plan effectively for these kinds of challenging conversations – drop me an email if you’d like more info.